What The Critics Will Say

A fellow FebNoWriMer invited us writers to imagine what promotional statements we might expect to see on our books were they to be published. You know, those quippy quotes from magazines and famous people that tout the book?

Well, I gave it some thought and came up with a few. I enjoyed them so much, I wanted to share them with you.

The ultimate thrill ride into the dark, hopeless depths of literary failure. If you don't jump off a bridge after reading this incomparable work, please push someone before they throw more good money after such trash."
- The Washington Post

"Unprecedented...Consummate...How Miller got any publisher to spend money distributing this crap astonishes the most jaded of critics."
- Publisher's Weekly

"A foolproof barometer of one's status as a productive member of society. If you can get past the first chapter, it's clear that you need a life."
- People

"Having someone like Judd Miller join this elite family we call published authors makes me want to bring back segregation. But instead of No Coloreds, it should be No Hacks Like Miller. Make 'em ride at the back of the bus, eat at different restaurants, the whole thing. I just want to go be a pimp now. That is so much more an honorable community, than sharing a profession with this creep. And Stephen King agrees, by the way. And he likes creeps!"
- Tom Clancy, in an interview on Larry King Live, August 14, 2005

"If he writes another one like that, the United States should do the right thing and execute him. Everyone expects the Americans to write the rules, mostly. But this kind of thing makes Abu Ghraib look like a charity drive. I can't believe the Bush Administration allows this to happen. Bush should be impeached for it. I risked my life to vote, and he is free to write that kind of garbage? My daughter read four lines and threw up. And now because of the war, the hospitals are too full to treat her. It's a terrible, terrible situation."
- Nasser Al Azzud, an Iraqi citizen, interviewed on Headline News, August 9, 2005